Painful Respite

Consciousness the only refuge. A strange sort of refuge--the sanctuary is itself more painful than the danger zone (unconsciousness, addiction to energy, samsara). Attention drawn in on itself, hard to focus on anything else. Can be done, just incredibe detachment in it. Feel the connection aspect.

Came across this line from Da last night:
--
You should not devote your life to the realization of Enlightenment. Devote your life to what you do when you are Enlightened.
http://www.beezone.com/AdiDa/Energy_of_Consciousness.html

Whoa.

Nothing else really to discuss. Not true of course. Still like to investigate politics, int'l development/aid, issues of morality/justice/compasion, ecology, sustainability. Yet, none of that is THAT.

Not much interest in discussing my life or discussing the other aspects of m life that are not this practice OR especially "spiritual" dicussions in the abstract. See it all as service, as devotion.

Still very relative--subtle inner processes (identity, interpersonal communication, cognition, affect). Values perhaps still "integral." Or not in ways. No desire to foist "spiritual" discussion down another's throat, those whose attention is principally elsewhere.

I can only go unconscious. To be conscious is to be acutely aware of the contraction, of the self-infliced pinch, self-performed rejection of bliss.

But to feel the contraction is to be free of it, to cease to identify with it. This I know, cognitively, but emotionally it doesn't really register.

Every contraction I feel, I am responsible for. For surrendering to God. Attenion and energy blocked in the mind-psyche, the emotion, the breath, the body. I am responsible for every last centimeter of pnuematic insurgency.