Fabrezing The Stink of Dzogchen

Eventually working up to Deodorizing, then Disinfecting.

For now the Fabrezing.

Lethargy (why meditate after...., it'll just come back when I need it to....); arrogance (the ego claiming ownership, reifying a non-experience, turning into a something); false humility ("I" can't talk about "it" at all, "they" won't understand "me" the final temptation the Buddha--note the re-bifurcation by not speaking out); no desire for the relative.

In the moments of Dzogchen, True Meditation, Capital M (Meditation without Seeking), there is indescribable joy and ecstasy, overflowing in love for all the universe. Perfect, as it always already is.

A desire to sit on a mountaintop, beaming love to all beings, to disappear from worldly circles, never be heard from again.

This body though, this vehicle--this body IS the Desire to Communicate, it is a hand, open, meant for touching and being touched.

Talked to Craig tonight. He's going through some similar challenges that I went through a few months back. The depression, life plans falling apart, moving back with the folks, anger, shame, Gnostic desire to give Relativity the Finger. Yet moments of humor, silliness, working with the salt of the earth, simply enjoying.

He, like me, is adopted. We come back around to the topic pretty regularly. The Primal Wound its called. The existential terror and a deep pre-conscious level when all security (represented by the mother) is stripped. In fact the childling has yet to separate himself from the mother, and there is much evidence to suggest as a result, adopted children never quite form a psyche in the same way. Interesting question in relation to transcendence--what does it mean to transcend such an ego?

The Wound is both a backdrop to all other development, and yet also can be a chain preventing further growth.

If the Father represents Heaven, mythologically, and Mother, the Earth, then it is clear why we both struggle with living in the world, feel safer in Heaven. The Mother, The Earth, Relativity rejected us. A deep ambiguity results. A sorta vortex or unnameable emptiness--not shunyata but nothingness. It is not even really nihilistic, at least when I think nihilistic I think something that was there and is deconstructed. This adopted-void, Primal Wound is like nothing ever even happened. I can't think of a metaphor. All the other metaphors that come to mind are things like fallow fields, abandoned ghost towns, those are more nihilistic. This is like the garden never took shape, the city never even came into existence, much less to at a later time be neglected and forgotten.

I have been graced with the loss of much searching. The joy of the Moments of Nondual bring at least that. The desire to sit on the mountaintop and beam are not Gnostic. There is no feeling of the Evilness of the World and sinister self-congratulating glee at having transcended its fallen state. It is inherently loving, caring, joyful.

But it is still on the mountaintop, in the moments of rest. Still issues around joyful engagment. Span, relativity, collecting some disowned pesos, focusing on the Right Hemisphere of the Brain.

I declare this The Year of Translation. Of communion, heterarchy, embrace, inclusion. Chakras #3 and 5.

ABSOLUTE RELATEDNESS..."Avoiding Relationship?" That is now the inquiry for me.

For me, it is about learning to love Process, the Process of anything--writing a book, including hours of boring editing, rewriting, crafting--without wanting to skip over that to get to the good part...i.e. The Context (The Big Picture) and Content (The Facts).

Process, process, process.

The Processes of: reading body language and nonverbal communication; understanding CDs, money market funds, IRAs, life insurance policies (term not variable life); plowing the garden time and time again in the hot humid sun; writing an active, effective, transitional phrase.

The Joy in Process. Joyfully carrying the Cross. Letting go of the exclusive identity as the Mourner, the Old Soul, who has chosen to be a sacrifical lamb for all manifestation. Or joyfully embracing that vision itself.

That is my greatest point of vulnerability to God, to Existence, to myself, to people--joy in the Process. That is why Chloe attracts me so, is my better half. She does joy in the Process, in the Flow like no one else I've ever met. And even more, she pulls me in, she wants nothing more than for me to be in this Flow with her.

She is my Greatest Teacher when it comes to Process-Centric, Joyful Living.