Felt subtle-less again. Prayed for a Christian themed sign. Came in the form of a dream. I was a chaplain at a prison. I had gained the trust of both prisoners and guards. I got wind of a pending revolt and all-out war between the two. I neither fled nor took sides. I simply gave blessings to the souls involved--not to their actions. To one I said, when you die, remember that everything you see on the other side is only a mirage--all the evil darkness that is. Be not afraid. He cried. I knew that he most likely would never listen nor had the experiential knowledge to grasp what I was saying. If he had, I doubt, he would have been involved in such an action.
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Chloe is gone now. Gone for a year. The hole in my heart returns, like he was just biding his time. The feeling of disconnection is the worst. Of knowing what you want to give and having no real mechanism whereby to give it. I've let go of feeling guilty for not having that connection sense with my family. I spent years trying to convince myself I did when I didn't, alternatively feeling righteous and proud for not having it, and/or beating myself up for not feeling more connected. It just isn't there. There is love, there is deep gratitude for my upbringing, there is deep care for their health and well-being. Just not that sense of being with my own. Just simply not there. In small small pieces yes, but not as it is for others. Not as it is with my friends or especially with her.

With her I feel home.

Trying to pump myself up see the opportunities for this next year. It just isn't there yet. I have work to do surely. Mostly 3rd chakra--money, clarity of speech and writing, leadership skills, and so forth.

Let that be enough. Tomorrow's evil will suffice.