they say that waking up is hard to do

The other day spent more meditating (actually in the state of non-meditation, Absolute What IS).

Had the same blowback negative reaction I've described before to the Absolute.

I realized reflecting on this "negative" turn (relatively negative and assuming the relative existence of an "I" to be negative) that it had a lot to do with the lack in spiritual literature of the sadness that comes after waking up/down. Whatever vertical metaphor you prefer.

The literature, particularly the Absolute/Nondual, is focused on creating (for better or for worse) the distinction between the illusory conditional state and the awakened, liberated one. As such it has to I would say "sell" the Absolute. Though that's a cheap way to put it. The conditional is painted in the sharpest, darkest tones possible, equaled only by the brilliance and joy of awakening.

Pain is recognized only in the transition--in the stripping and movement (in the relative sphere) or final death (Absolute)--as well as in the current state of illusion, contraction.

But there is a pain after awakening. There is joy no doubt of the kind advertised/promised. But there is a pain in never having the same relationship (insofar as the state or stage depending) with say the waking order.

The feeling of having been lied to and hoodwinked I think is at the root of my "negative" reactions towards the Absolute. I wish there was more room given to a honest assessment of this element. Maybe there is and I'm just unaware of it. If so, discerning and more knowledgeable readers should leave names, titles, etc. in the comments.

Last night before sleep I asked--calling on the Lord--if it be your will to give me the grace to stay Aware through the Dream and Dreamless.....not for gain/mastery of states but as service. That I would serve in that state as well.

And sure enough right on cue I had horrible dreams. Not nightmares with ghoulish or horrific bloody imagery. But two amalgamations representing a wide array of different people I encounter in my life came to me with loud, obnoxious, monologues. Yelling at me with abrasive and usually incoherent language. The banality of evil in the subtle plane as it were.

All of which was to say: Is this what you really want.....to serve? To be more awake? As painful as it is detached in the gross are you really sure you want to be similarly disabused of your illusions further up the road?

Tonight, I will make the same prayer. Maybe the blowback will be even worse this time. Maybe not. Who knows? Who is there to know?