Adrift at SEA

[SEA stands for Self-Esteem (Seekers) Anonymous].

The latest wrinkle of my self journey has been the recognition of my self-esteem issues as a dis-ease, as an illness.

I always knew I had low self-esteem as compared to my peers, but without naming it as illness, nothing I ever did seemed to work.

I've decided to set aside time each day--maybe only 10 minutes--to begin the process of ingesting the layers of this new truth into my being. I'm going slow in order to prevent an all-out Chris assault (as per my usual), turning everything into a project that demands immediate victory and success.

That isn't realistic in this case.

There is a low self-esteem inventory here. With the caveat that this "quiz" has much open-ended and vague sounding language that could lead almost anyone to believe they have self-esteem issues. (Mis)interpretation aside, the scoring goes from 0-150. The result are broken down into 5 categories of 30 points each. 0-30, no issues; 30-60, faint traces; 60-90 moderate difficulties; 90-120 presence of severe low self esteem; and 120-150 obviously being clincal problems of an extremely acute nature.

For what its worth I scored 112. That places me in the "presence of severe self-esteem issues" canp, but not as bad as those in the final grouping. That accords with my general sense of my esteem being much worse than the average, but thankfully not as a bad and debilitating as others I've encountered.

The downside of it being severe but workable is that I always put dealing with it off bc I can (and have and do) manage to lead a more or less regular life.

The notion of the emotional self-esteem issues as an illness puts this reading in line with things like AA, Overeaters Anonymous, etc. (SEA being the branch version of the same anonymous tree relating to this particular issue).

Fortunately I've never had an addictions to chemicals, gambling, acting out (e.g. promiscuous sexual activity) in self-destructive ways. I can have one drink and let it go at that; I've never understood how individuals can never not just have one drink (or one bet, or one whatever).

But the more I think about it, I've also never understood really how people can be okay with themselves, can even actually like themselves. My mindset must be to those people like mine is towards the alcoholics.

Before understanding the illness aspect, I would wonder about say an alcoholic--why don't they see they are ruining their life, destroying their relationships. All of which are perfectly reasonable (and valid) points.

The few conversations I've had with people--very few--where I've admitted to low self-esteem, they have almost always (meaning well) asked the same sort of reasonable, logical, critical questions. Or make reasonable, logical, well-meaning affirmative comments like, "But you're so talented, so intelligent...everybody likes you, etc."

All of which are certainly valid to a degree (not everybody who knows me likes me).

All valid, well-meaning, and thoughtful, and none having the least bit effect on me. At least as relates to the self-esteeem issue.

The only reason honestly I have even come to this place where I'm (partially) willing to do the long, slow, painful work of recovery is because of Chloe and the thought of our future family together. And worse the thought of losing her because of this illness.

If I would have stayed a Jesuit, I imagine I would have, like I always have done, buried the pain in work and good deeds, smilinng my way through a miserable life.

So part of learning curve I'm sure be will to face whether I eventually am internally motivated--beyond even the "external" (though a good start) motivation of my loved one(s).

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Now, not reverse fields and re-inforce denial tendencies, but I want to contextualize all of this as well.

There are three identities (generically): ego, Soul, and SELF (Spirit). This particular issue of course only affects one of those--ego, frontal personality. My Soul, or better The Soul that has me (Chris) is not from this plane and is not wounded by the pains of this world. He/she/it cries for Chris' pain no doubt, but is not in any sense touched by the pain. The Soul's dis-ease is of a much darker nature and by God's grace has been fairly cleansed. And Spirit of course with no dis-ease, just pure unconditional, ever-watchful, embrace.

And then with even with the self (or better selves), not all of it is touched by this.

In the Big Mind Process, for example, there are the voices of the fixer, the controller, the seeker, and the wounded child (among many others). Of course most of this pain resides in the Wounded Child. And certainly my fixer, seeker, and such are certainly influenced by the negative scripts, pain, and trauma of my illness--but can not be reduced to those or reactions to those either.

There are pieces of my life, in the right context, where I have no doubts about my abilities--neither arrogance nor cowardice. It becomes pure expression for the sake of the art itself...the best examples of this, for me, are public speaking and teaching.

So while it might seem backward, I have very little nervousness about getting up and speaking in front of complete strangers because for one, I'll probably never have to actually interact with them anyway ever again, two, in say like a homily from seminary days, I'm in control--it's a monlogue--nobody is going to interrupt me.

But then after such a homily or talk, people come up adn congratulate you or want to discuss what you had to say in further detail, ask a question, and I freeze up. Because once that boundary is crossed, in face-to-face, one-on-one, anything can happen.

Also, like I mentioned, my symptoms do not flare up in dangerous ways. I fall into the opposite category--I take the identity of peacemaker, entertainer/mascot, rescuer. I'm too nice. I'm overly cautious about hurting people's feelings, sometimes to a fault. I have an amazingly difficult time admitting I'm angry and almost never tell someone these are my boudaries and you're crossing them, please cease.

So for those of you out there who've (in a well-meaning way) praised me for being so nice and understanding, just remember (bc I sure do), that I'm nice in part just because I don't like being mean. And I'm being nice to you, not (altogether) because I'm a swell considerate guy but I'm too self-conscious and self-focused to want to possibly upset you.

The shadow is a wonderful trickster.

I wrote the above, mostly to reinforce to myself that I don't want to become someone who has an "addiction" or "12 Step" mindset, where everything is about the Program, addictions--as someone who went through seminary, I knew a lot of people in the "Program", mostly seminarians and priests and this totalizing mindset was very common--all of which to me seems to reinforce the notion of how "addictive" addiction is....in other words, the Program, Recovery, etc. becomes a new form of addiction for some. Certainly healthier than the alternative but overly absolutized nonetheless.

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Still, it's going to be painful, if I actually go through with it. It reminds me of the scene in A Beautiful Mind where at the end of the movie--after years of properly managing his hallucinations and leading a regular life--John Nash is walking away from a student and asks her if she sees some people talking to him over in the corner. She says no, and then he doesn't talk to them.

As illness, like alcoholism, it will always be with me--like John Nash's hallucinations. There is always going to be that voice in my head. Its not rational, no rational discourse will silence it, but it doesn't have to be listened to either. I can just let it speak, tell it, thank you for expressing yourself, and then calmly choose another option.

The shadow is more like a school yard bully than a monster. The bully talks a big game, but only to hide his obvious flaws. And bullies are notorious pansies when it comes to an actual fight.

Remembering those truths brings me a renewed vision and hopefulness.

Its not all of who I am, and the parts of me that it does accurately belong to, make me more like everyone else, not less so. Keeping those views in mind, will help forestall, I believe, my ego trying to go from these negative scripts to a victim script.

As the Native Americans would say before battle, "Its a good day to die."