H.D.

The Birth of Christ nears. I won't even bother with some self-justifying tirade about how the true spirit of the holiday has been warped--leave that for the cranks at the pulpit this week.

Went to the bookstore and read some Da for like 3 hours. Left the store, the sun was shinning right in my eye as I walked down the street in the cold, crisp afternoon air. Felt like I was floating. I don't even remember how I drove the car home.

Watched The Elegant Universe last night on PBS. Kinda weird from to take some perspective calculations on this whole thing. So we basically exist on a three-dimensional membrane, that is a "slice" on a much larger, loaf of higher-dimensionality. Our brother slices may have in the past (or in the future) collided with this brane causing The Big Bang. The universe consists of tiny looped or unlooped strings vibrating at different pitches which produce the entire array of atomic and subatomic particles (and sparticles--supersymmetric partner particles), along with the hidden 7 dimensions.

At the other end, only Love Bliss, only Real God. Only the floating feeling and the pressure at the top of my head. Conditional existence outshinned, all as a modification of this, of the Source Itself. Divine distraction--the relationship. A criticism of unhappiness. Ultimate Freedom can never be attained. Gratitude for the Divine. From the ascended Matrix through the right heart down to the toes.

And somewhere meshed in between all that--Iraq, starvation, integral theory and its proper place, sexual abuse and gay rights issues in the Church, blah blah blah blah blah. In my puny life, trying to weave together a existence quilt for myself from all these tattered threads (lost job, will lose home, girlfriend).

These vehicles are very resitant, even in those who are quite awake to the Isness of all manifestation. It is going to take a long time to start to build the momentum headed the other way. There is no end point now, and I'm sure our bodies and our egos our not pleased by that fact. We have to find a way to do yoga--even physical yoga involves a push and release dyad. The Boddhisattvas must become Politicians as Ken says. Big unbelievable task.

We have no idea what causes transformation. We have no idea what the potentials of the body are. We have very little idea how to integrate high levels of consciousness outside the traditional monastic-guru setting (as needed as those were and continue to be). We have little in the way of examples of really balancing absolute and relative--continuing to develop (or at least maintain) relatively while holding Being. And then that stablization thrown into the more cutting edge world, with conscious evolution, in higher integrated forms of communion ethically sound. Tall order.

A lot of days I want to give up. I have glimpses of the future and I have no idea how to get there, how to help co-enact the thing. Then I go to sleep and there are no dying tortured masses, no questions about my life, no struggles to figure things out.

I too much view life in the Humpty Dumpty Model. The world (Humpty Dumpty) has fallen apart and I have to put it back together again. But all the king's horses and all the king's men...and so on. In those moments of my psychic-frenticism, I simply remember that I can (and do) maintain presence and feel deeply YET BE UNMOVED in another aspect of myself.

All of those concerns and challenges still apply but no longer from a needy place. A joyous inquiry into the love-wound, into this Vow.